Final Fantasy Jeopardy!
by Abobo's Revenge
Summary: Some FF8 characters take a whack at Celebrity Jeopardy, and as you can imagine, they don't do very well. Part 2 now in operation! Read and review, lest you risk swift retribution!
1. Laguna, Irvine, and Zell

Final Fantasy Jeopardy!

Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own Jeopardy, Trebek, the NRA, or FF8. There, you happy now? Can't have a fic withoout a disclaimer, now can we? Nooo. God forbid we don't have a disclaimer! And even if I did own them, do you think I'd be writing fics? No, I'd be bathing in money.

And I like all these characters, so it's not I'm doing this because I hate them.

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Final Fantasy Jeopardy! I don't know I got here, but it's been an _interesting_ first round. Laguna Loire, you are in second place with negative sixty-four thousand Gil.

Laguna Loire: Oh, well, the late bird gets the worm if he's lucky, you know!

Alex: Great. Anyway, Irvine Kinneas is in first place with negative eleven Gil. Don't know how that's possible, but hey, anything can happen on Final Fantasy Jeopardy.

Irvine Kinneas: Eleven is my lucky number, and Alex, this feels dang lucky!

Alex: Whatever.

Zell Dincht: Yo! Over here!

Alex: Yes, I'm getting to you. Zell Dincht is in last place with -720,345,100 gil. Incredible. We've only gone through one round, and you have more money on the board than a man can gamble away in his entire life. You amaze me, Zell; you must have a disability?

Zell: Yes. Thank you for the compliments!

Alex: I see. Laguna Loire, the charity you are playing for is the Children Who Eat Children Foundation. I am almost afraid to ask, but what is that?

Laguna: Well, we're just trying to make enough money so that we can buy them an island where they can live the way they want to, without society's outlook and rules and standards.

Alex: You're going to buy them an island so that they can eat each other?

Laguna: Well, when you say it like that it doesn't sound so good.

Alex: All I can say is I hope you don't do very well in this game. Now, Irvine Kinneas, you are playing for...the National Rifle Association?

Irvine: Sure, bud.

Alex: You are terrible. Zell Dincht, you are playing for the Laguna Loire for President Again Organization?

Zell: Yeah! Sweet, huh?

Laguna: Sweet!

Zell: Dude!

Laguna: Sweet!

Zell: Dude!

Alex: Shut up!! I must say, I hope you all are ashamed. Now, the categories are: 

Famous Fishes, Time Compressors, Gardens That Got Hit By Missiles, Squall's Daddy-

Laguna: Hey, that's me!

Alex: Thank you Mr. Loire, now we have to get rid of that category. Anyway, the rest of the categories are:

Biggs and -----, Rinoa (The Blue Girl Who Hangs Out With Squall), Condiments on Your Hot Dog, and.... oh, Jesus, Big Boobies.

Irvine: Oh, thank you, Trebek! I can win all those ones!

Alex: I hate this show. Well, Mr. Kinneas, you're in the lead, so you get to pick.

Irvine: I'll take Big Boobies.

Alex: Fine... for 500 Gil, "Who has bigger breasts, Rinoa, Quistis, or Selphie?" I can't believe I just read that.

(Irvine rings in, of course)

Alex: Mr. Kinneas?

Irvine: Hmm... Quistis! Rinoa's are too small, and I think Selphie stuffs or something.

Alex: Wrong. Quistis stuffs, Selphie doesn't, and Rinoa's are too small. So Selphie's breasts are the largest.

Irvine: I've been trying to get a look at Quistis'! I should've been trying to get Selphie's!

Alex: Whatever. Since you are a loser pervert, I'll let President Loire pick.

Laguna: Who?

Alex: You, Mr. Loire.

Laguna: Look at the podium.

Alex: Mr. Loire's name has apparently changed to "Futt Bucker."

(Laguna and Irvine laugh uproariously)

Zell: I don't get it.

Alex: Then you really _are_ stupid.

Irvine: Good one, pardner!

(Laguna and Irvine High 5 each other)

Alex: I hate you. Anyway, I think I'll let Mr. Dincht pick.

Zell: I'll take the condom mint hot dogs thing for, uh, a million Gil.

Alex: That's "Condiments on You Hot Dog", and there are no million Gil questions, you retard.

Zell: Well, I'll take Rhinoceros whatever for a thousand.

Alex: That's Rinoa, but I can understand what you're saying. The question is "Is Rinoa pretty?" Apparently, there really isn't a wrong answer. Keep that in mind when you answer.

(Irvine rings in)

Alex: ...Kinneas.

Irvine: Well, she doesn't have big boobies, though, do she?

Alex: So...

Irvine: I mean, hey, surgery would take care of that-

(Buzzer sounds)

Irvine: -and then we'll see, but now, who knows? I like 'em _big._

Alex: You are out of time, Irvine Kinneas.

Irvine: What does that mean!?!?!? My time is up?!?!?!?!

Alex: It means that you got that question wrong.

Irvine: ... ... ... ... oh. I thought it meant you were going to kill me or something. That's a relief.

Alex: Moving on... Mr. Loire, why don't you go ahead and pick the next question?

Laguna: I'll take Gardens That Got Hit By Missiles for a thousand.

Alex: Okay, the question is-

Zell: I thought it was supposed to be answers on Jeopardy, not questions.

Alex: It's easier for you morons this way . Now then, the question is: "This Garden got hit by missiles."

(Laguna buzzes in)

Laguna: I know this one!!! That one... uuh, what is it?... the wonder thing?... it's on the Discovery Channel. It's one of those Wonders of the Ancient World. You know, they fall or something...

Alex: The Hanging Gardens of Babylon?

Laguna: Yeah!

Bzzzzzzzt!

Alex: No! That is wrong! Good God, the answer we were looking for is Trabia Garden. We would have even taken Balamb Garden, if you screwed up in the game! And how do you even know about... you know what? I don't care. I don't care, let's just move on to something else. Zell - pick.

Zell: Okay, I'll take "Biggs and dash dash dash dash dash" for six hundred.

Alex: All right. The question is, "Who is always around Biggs?"

(Laguna rings in)

Alex: Mr. Loire... ... ... ...where is your podium?

Laguna: I don't know. I'm confused. I think I lost it by accident.

Alex: Yes, you seem to have a problem with that, don't you? So how did you...? No, never mind, I don't want to know. Does anyone else want to answer this question? No? Come on, he's been in every game so far since FF6. Actually, he wasn't in FF9, I do think. Hurry up, now.

Bzzzzzzzzzt!

Alex: Oh, almost. The answer was, "Wedge."

Irvine: I _knew_ that!

Alex: I doubt that. Now then, Mr. Kinneas, I hate to say this, but why don't you pick?

Irvine: Okay, fellah, I'll take "Famous Fishes."

Alex: Sure...this should be easy, but I'm not going to put money on it... all right, the question is: "Balamb is famous for what fish?"

(Zell buzzes in)

Alex: Yes, Zell?

Zell: My mom's cooking.

Bzzzzzzzzt!

Zell: What is my mom's cooking?

Bzzzzzzzzt!

Zell: Uh, who is my mom's cooking?

Bzzzzzzzzt!

Alex: You only get to answer once, Mr. Dincht. Does anyone else want to waste their time by trying to answer the question? No?

Bzzzzzzzt!

Alex: I must say, that's very wise. The first smart thing that's happened tonight. Laguna Loire, I'll let you pick even though your podium... you have a podium now.

Laguna: I was... I had no podium, and then it was... it came back.

Alex: Well, I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to hear from you again, but I guess my life still sucks.

Irvine: Amen to that, bruthah!

Alex: Whatever! Now, Laguna Loire, you pick...

Laguna: I'll take "Time Comwhatevers."

Alex: That's "Time Compressors," for how much?

Laguna: What?

Alex: For how much, Mr. Loire?

Laguna: Oh, um, I... ah, that is I... ahh, pass!

Alex: How about for six hundred? Okay, the question is "Who tried to compress time?"

(Irvine rings in)

Alex: Kinneas.

Irvine: Yes, it was that one chick... in the red. Or was it the black? Maybe even the other one...

Alex: Hurry, Mr. Kinneas.

Irvine: Calista Flockhart, Alex. Final answer.

Alex: No! Good God, are you a southern hick gun lover or just retarded?

Irvine: Hey, now!

Alex: Well, that's pretty much it for the categories. I guess we can move onto Final Jeopardy now. And the category is "Pretty Things." All you have to do is write down something that's pretty.

(Cue Final Jeopardy Music)

Alex: Pretty things. Something that's pretty. There is no wrong answer. Well, with you there could be, I suppose. But it's still very easy.

(Final Jeopardy Music ends)

Alex: Okay, Mr. Loire, let's see what you you wrote that's pretty:

FUTT BUCKER

Laguna: Ha!

Alex: That is unnecessary. I don't want to do this, but let's see what you wagered:

LOVES TREBEK

Alex: Okay... if you just had "Futt Bucker" you would have gotten it right.

Irvine: Good one, dude!

Laguna: Yeah!!

(They high-five again)

Alex: Stop it, stop it! Now, I hate to do this, but let's see what Mr. Kinneas wrote:

TEXAS

Alex: Well, I guess that's right. Let's see what you wagered.

ROCKS!!!!!

Alex: Well, I don't know if you'll get any rocks, but I'll just pretend you got that one right.

Irvine: Yeah!!! I got it right!!!

Alex: Sure you did. Now, Mr. Dincht. I'm scared, but let's see what you think is pretty:

ALEX TREBEK

Alex: Uhh, I'm going to pretend you put "kitties." You wager:

SUX MUNKEES

Alex: Okay, that explains it. You did not get that right.

Zell: HA HA HA HA!!! LOSER!!!

Alex: Okay, shut up!! Now, much to our dismay, the National Rifle Association will receivea check for ten thousand dollars. I'm Alex Trebek, and this has been one of the worst days of my life.


	2. Squall, Seifer, and Rinoa

Disclaimer: Note that I don't own any of the stuff I'm writing about. Except maybe the retartded plotline (i.e., the jokes), or the word "Foobers." And yes, I know the portrayal of rabies presented here is not very accurate. And yes, I did steal a little "catchphrase" from Asyria's MST of FF8. It's awesome, so go read it right now!

****

Final Fantasy Jeopardy! with Squall Leonhart, Rinoa Heartilly, and Seifer Almasy. 

And that guy, Trebek.

Trebek: Welcome back to Final Fantasy Jeopardy! We're shooting another Jeopardy in the Final Fantasy World, and if you want to know how I got here, I can only tell you that I went to bed one night, and this is where I woke up. We've had an exciting first round, with Squall Leonhart in the lead with 1200 Gil. Wait, what?! _Twelve_ _hundred Gil?!_ No negative? Incredible, Squall! That's very impressive! Nobody's ever gotten above -11 Gil before!

Squall: No, there's a negative there.

(Trebek squints at the scoreboard)

Trebek: So there is. Sorry about that. I guess you actually have -1200 Gil.

Squall: ...Sure, Trebek.

Trebek: No, I can see it on the board. It says "-1200."

Squall: ...Whatever.

Trebek: No, it's _right there!_

Squall: Sure, whatever, Trebek.

Trebek: Whatever, Squall.

Seifer: You loser, Puberty Boy! That mustachioed old man just stole your line!

Trebek: No, I didn't, I just-

Squall: Whatever, Trebek!

Trebek: Sure. Fine. Moving on, Squall, you are playing for the... you're not playing for a charity?

Squall: We'll all die someday anyway. Who cares if you're happy...

(he glances at Rinoa)

Rinoa: Oh, he's always like this! What a Grumpy Gussy-Wussy!

Seifer: Sucks to be you, Puberty Boy!

Squall: (Yes, I know...)

Trebek: Okay, anyway, let's move on. Rinoa Heartilly, you are in the lead with no Gil. So have you decided to play it safe and just not answer any questions?

Rinoa: I guess so, sure!

Squall: You just don't know how to work the buzzer, honey.

Trebek: That's enough. Now, you are not playing for charity either, are you?

Rinoa: No, I don't know any charities worth giving money to.

Seifer: You could give it to me.

Rinoa: Okay, I'm playing for the, uh, "Give Money to Seifer Organization."

Trebek: I really don't care if you give it to him or Mickey Mouse. Let's move on to Seifer Almasy, who looks very rude and dangerous.

Seifer: I love you too, Trebek.

Trebek: And you have, let's see... -34,900 Gil. Not bad. And you are playing for the...

Seifer: "Balamb Garden Disciplinary Committee Fund" so we can get more money and teach those punk-ass rule breakers some lessons in pain and Hutiness!

Trebek: Let's refrain from using that kind of language on this show.

Seifer: What kind of language?

Trebek: Like you said before. You know.

Seifer: What did I say?

Trebek: You said "punk-ass."

Seifer: Dude! I got Trebek to say "punk-ass!" Sweet!

Squall: Sweet, dude!

Seifer: Dude, sweet!

Squall: Sweet, dude!

Trebek: Okay! Shut up!! Now, let's go to the categories:

Potent Potables (what'd ya expect?), GF's Called Ifrit, Your Limit Break, Colors, Dead Presidents, Who Is Sis?, and Hot Dog Trivia.

Trebek: Squall, you have control of the board, as you are the least offensive person here.

Squall: I don't care. Pick someone else.

Trebek: You can't do that. You have to pick a category.

Squall: Can't Seifer do it?

Seifer: Just pick a category, Puberty Boy!!

Trebek: Yes, listen to the scary guy!

Squall: (Why does everyone always expect me to be the leader...?)

(Everyone's watching him as he folds his arms and thinks to himself)

Seifer: (pushes Squall) Wake up, Puberty Boy! PICK!!!

Squall: Fine!! I'll take "Potent Potables" for 1000.

Trebek: Wow, no one's ever actually picked that category before. Okay, the question-

Rinoa: Isn't it...answers...on Jeopardy...?

Trebek: Yes, that's on _normal_ Jeopardy. This is Final Fantasy Jeopardy, where we try to confuse you as little as possible.

Rinoa: I don't get it.

Trebek: That's fine. Just try not to think about it.

Rinoa: Ahh! I thought about it!!! (she dies)

Squall: (YES!!!!)

Rinoa: (gets back up) ...I'm okay...! Hee hee! Sorry to worry you, Squally!

Squall: (#$%&@#$#((^#@(%^@()@#%&)(^%#%!!!!!!!!)

Seifer: Sucks to be you, Puberty Boy!

Squall: Yeah.

Trebek: Okay... the question-

Rinoa: Um...

Trebek: Shut up. The QUESTION is: "What the hell is a potent potable?"

(Squall rings in)

Squall: Booze.

Trebek: Amazing!!! You actually got one right! This...this is...astounding! This is...holy mother of pearl...this is the happiest day of my life! Squall....!

Squall: I don't want any of you crazy monkey love, Trebek. Get on with the questioning.

Trebek: Yes, Squall, I suppose I should *cough*. Now, Squall, you have only -200 gil. You are also in control of the board.

Squall: Whatever. I'll take "GF's Called Ifrit" for 400.

Trebek: A wise choice... "This GF's name is Ifrit."

Seifer: (rings in) Garden Fighter!!!

Trebek: What? No, that's wrong.

Squall: (rings in) Amtrak.

Trebek: No, that's what you named "Doomtrain" when you played Final Fantasy VIII, isn't that right?

Squall: Yeah...

Trebek: Anyone else? No?

Boop boop!

Trebek: That's too bad. Rinoa, you are in control.

Rinoa: I know! Isn't it cool? He does everything I say!

Squall: No, I don't.

Rinoa: No, not you. My dog! Here boy!

(Angelo runs onto the set)

Rinoa: Good boy...!

Trebek: What is this? Oh, for crying out loud!

(Angelo is chewing some wires)

Rinoa: Angelo, don't chew those!

(Angelo bites Rinoa)

Rinoa: Ahh! My hand! Angelo! How could you!?

(She looks at Angelo. His mouth is all frothy)

Rinoa: Aw, poop.

Seifer: Looks like your girlfriend has rabies, Puberty Boy! Sucks to be you!

Squall: Hmm...This might be beneficial.

Rinoa: Arghh! Foobers!!

(Her head is bobbing around and she's mumbling incoherently)

Trebek: She's delerious! Oh well. On with the show. Seifer, pick the category.

Seifer: You ain't the bossa me!

Trebek: You don't HAVE to. I just want you to. If you don't, Squall will.

Seifer: (looks over at Squall) Fine. Dammit, I'll take "Your Limit Break" for 800.

Trebek: "What is your limit break?"

Rinoa: (rings in accidentally) Shpoofins! Nubnubstreeeeeeeethkrup!

Trebek: Incorrect.

Seifer: (rings in) Ass Whoop.

Trebek: Nope. (pause) Squall? Wanna try?

Squall: No.

Trebek: That's all right. Well, I'll give you control of the board.

Squall: I'll take... "Hot Dog Trivia" for 200.

Trebek: "Who is the guy who really really likes hot dogs?"

(pause)

Trebek: "He was on your team. He has a freaky tattoo."

(another, slightly dumber pause)

Trebek: "His name is Zell. Someone say 'Zell.'"

Rinoa: Doopie zellie frieeplie woobles!

Trebek: Did she say "Zell?"

Squall/Seifer: No.

Trebek: Okay. Well, no on got that right.

Doop doop!

Trebek: Seifer, the board is yours.

Seifer: Kick freaking ass. I'll take "Dead Presidents" for 600.

Trebek: "This Galbadian President was killed by the sorceress."

Squall: (rings in) Bill Clinton.

Trebek: No. That is incorrect.

Seifer: (rings in) The Homosexual Gunblade Specialist!

Trebek: No, that is also incorrect.

Seifer: ...No, that's correct.

Trebek: No, it isn't!

Squall: I think he's right.

Trebek: Well, he's not.

Rinoa: SHPPPPPOOOOOOOOBBBBB!!!!!!

Trebek: Since Rinoa is...incapable of playing, the board is Squall's.

Squall: I'll take "Who is Sis?" for 1000.

Trebek: Sure... "Who is 'Sis?'"

(pause)

Trebek: Anyone? This should be easy for you, Squall and Seifer.

(pause)

Boop boop!

Trebek: Okay, you're all idiots. I hate to say it, but it's true.

Seifer: Well, you're an asswipe!

Trebek: Just pick a catagory.

Seifer: "Colors" for 1000.

Trebek: "What is this color?"

(Trebek holds up a sheet of glass)

Seifer: Window color!

Trebek: No.

(pause)

Boop boop!

Trebek: Well, the correct answer was "clear". Now for-

Seifer: What the HELL!? "Clear"!?

Trebek: Yeah! Clear! What's wrong!?

Seifer: (somewhat taken back that Trebek yelled at him) ...uh! Nothing!

Trebek: Good. Now for Final Jeopardy. The category is: "Someone you know." All you have to do is write down someone you know. Sounds easy. Okay, start now.

(Hum Jeopardy music, since I haven't got a MIDI or anything)

Doop doop doop!

Trebek: Let's see what everyine wrote. What fun.

(He walks over to Squall, who is still writing)

Squall: Almost done...

Trebek: I think you're writing a little too much.

Squall: Okay, hold on.

Trebek: I'll get back to you. Seifer, what have you written? I wonder. Your answer:

I'M GUNA KCIK YOU'RE ASS

Trebek: I think you got that wrong.

Seifer: Dammit!

Trebek: Okay, you wagered:

RUL BRACKERZ!!!!!

Trebek: That is very wrong. Rinoa, I don't think probably wrote anything, since she's passed out on the floor. Let's look:

SqUaLlY

Trebek: Technically, that's correct. She knows you, Squall. What she wagered:

WaLlY pOoPy WoOpY ARGH FOOBERSa as;gh ;lashg hrewgsgssjkghrtmnx

Trebek: So sad. It looks like since Rinoa won with zero gil, you Seifer, shall recieve a check for no gil.

Seifer: Kickass! (pause) Hey! Aw, damn.

Trebek: This has been yet another fun fun Final Fantasy Jeopardy. I'm Alex Trebek, and I want to go home.


End file.
